2004-11-09
i didn't mean 2 turn U on
I'M A MESS!!
The phrase "ride things through" makes the actual process sound like it might be really easy, maybe even kind of fun... is that so people don't slit their throats when they realize they are about to have to "ride" something/s "through"? In case I'm being too cryptic, what I am riding through and what is making me a mess has to do with a male... and a female... well, 2 females, I guess, one of whom is me.
The worst thing is, nothing has even happened between them! He just "has his eye on" her, just thinks she's cool and pretty and attractive and likes to hang out with her. For hours on end. For 3 weekends in a row. And he will probably put the moves on her sometime. I want to puke.
How wonderful this "ride" is. Woo. I can't believe they don't charge money for this. woowee. Oh, wait, I guess I smoke 3x as many cigarettes on this "ride". Oh, what a "rollercoaster", it's so exhilarating.
How can I be feeling this way when I'm the dumper? When I wished for 3 years that I would get up the guts to dumpdumpdump? Must be that little old thing that made me not dump him. Or maybe it's habit. I try to think of it sort of like a bandaid, except that's such a worn analogy. Ok, let's think about it like binging and purging. It feels great to stuff yourself, the food tastes so good, but when it comes time to get rid of it, and you know you have to, it fucking hurts, and you cry, even though in the long run you know it's the right thing to do. Yes. That, in all it's glory, is the exact analogy to how I am feeling right now. I guess I am a true bulimic. Luckily, despite the accuracy, I am not binging, nor puking (except after I was on the phone with Cherry and smoked 2.5 cigarettes directly in a row after drinking 3 glasses of wine swiftly -- but that wasn't on purpose), in fact, I am what you call not really eating at all. Unless smoking counts. Ok, "not at all" is maybe an exaggeration.
Wow, looka me, this is kind of like a real diary entry. Clearly I am becoming naturalized to my virtual environment, so well, in fact, that you people are all nothing but binary code I can summon at will.
I think I need a sock in the face to snap me out of my little fuzzy world. [fuzzy in the bad sense] I call on Fleigen to fill this void when I get to AB.
Until then, enjoy the drama.
pansycline at 2:57 p.m.