2005-05-30
suckysucky?
so, I'm officially a heartbreaker. of both mine and someone elses.
yesterday and the day before I made a man cry who hadn't cried in 10 years. I feel like crummy shit. I love this guy but not in the way that makes me want to spend the rest of my life with him and now I'm being honest and changing things and it ain't easy.
not that I thought it would be. but I really didn't think he'd cry.
I guess I've never been around anyone else I've broken up with while they're dealing with it. ugh. it's so ugly. I can hardly stand it.
I find that I have to turn myself off and just be 100% rational -- but I don't want to be off! what if I can't turn back on again later? I mean compassion / empathy-wise, not sex. the sex ended long ago, which is why, I think, I was finally able to sit him down and make him believe that I am, for real, leaving him (as a girlfriend / roommate).
god. am I doing the right thing? how do I know? I feel like a loser plus cruel plus a liar plus a traitor. in sum, a politician.
pansycline at 12:20 p.m.