2007-06-21
boo hoo. poor overprivileged me
So, here I am at school again. Lately (i.e. the last week and a half) I've been feeling severely antisocial. Not antisocial in the "I hate you don't talk to me" way, but in the "I would really much rather be curled up on my couch doing nothing than be interacting with other humans" way.
I have a clue as to why. It is June 21 (first official day of summer! woo!!) and I am STILL writing an essay for the reading course I took in the winter semester. Which course ended, officially, at the end of May. The reason I'm still writing this paper is not related to procrastination, stupidity, or laziness. I am still writing it because in May, when I normally would have been clenching my fists and crying into my sheets over final assignments, I was shedding sleep, tears, and blood over conference presentations that I unthinkingly agreed to do.
So that was brutal. It got done, barely, and then I had 2 weeks of holidays with my parents and friends in Alberta, and I am right on schedule with finishing this homework in the period of extension that was given me. But I really really really feel burnt out. Burnt to shit and I must admit that, even though the material "interests" me, I am having a terrible time maintaining inspirational lift regarding Plato and Aristotle's ideas of human nature and how that emerges in their respective ideas of the Good.
This in itself would perhaps not be so bad if it were not the case that I've been lacking excitement-fueled drive since the day I finished my M.A. thesis. However, that happens to actually be the case, and now I'm nearly done the first year of my PhD and not a day of that year has gone by when I don't wonder if I'm really doing what is best for me.
Thing is, I don't know what else to do. Other thing is, despite my lack of juice, I seem to be really good at this academic stuff. Which brings to the fore this other thing: that I'm getting $20,000 free a year for the next 3 years, provided I stay in school. Seems worth it. Considering that my state of mind right now is what usually happens to me at about month 6 of any job I've ever had, and I am currently at year 4.5 of straight school.
Current plan is to plough through on the essay and hope that starting the research for my dissertation this summer revs me up again. Topic: Ethics and Intersections of International Trade and Humanitarian Aid in Africa. Pretty catchy, hey? The money I'm getting is for a project on multiculturalism and religious language -- which is no longer happening. I suppose I'll have to confess to that one of these days and hope they don't ding me. Though a $60,000 ding might help me decide my future rather quickly. Mechanic. I've always kind of wanted to do that.
Anyhow. If the juice doesn't start flowing, I guess this b-log might start getting quite a bit more interesting. Maybe I'll move to B.C. and start a B&B / winery. Maybe I'll just get knocked up and move into my parents' basement. Maybe I'll be a dancer. I've always wanted to be a dancer...
Shiiiiiit.
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In other news, I've been watching "OZ" a lot. I can't stop swearing, talking like a G, and thinking about buttsex. All in my head, of course, due to the aforementioned current antisocial bent.
pansycline at 2:43 p.m.