2005-08-12
Drama Loves a Vacuum.
So, I have a new phone friend -- Mr. Chicago. I "met" him online, though he is a friend of a friend-in-the-flesh, so I don't feel too totally weird. [except for about the phrase "in-the-flesh" which reminds me of carnal knowledge, and/or "knowing" someone... biblically. Which is absolutely not the case here.]
Anyways, I'm having a sort of guilt complex, though -- which, I admit, comes "naturally", if in the term naturally can be included years and years of socialization to the idea that I am, indeed, guilty. (read: church.) The reason for this is the fact that I live with my ex-boyfriend and I started my acquaintance with Mr. Chicago as an online joking flirtation for something to do and also, I guess, just to see what would happen.
This was through the site where I have my other blog, and "naturally" my ex-bf/roommate (who, by the way, is moving out shortly) is not privy to these writings, as besides being generous and kind, he is rather jealous and critical. The kind of reader I can live without.
I felt only mildy deceitful for carrying on these things behind his back, though I'm not sure why I even consider it to be behind his back. I guess because I hide it. But now my online hilarious distraction is becoming a telephone friendship, which I think is pretty cool -- esp. considering I have neither time nor $$ lately to leave the house to hang out with "live" people.
The only problem is if my "room mate" answers the phone he'll be suspicious and I will then lie to him. But I don't like lying. But I don't want him to read my blogs. I could just tell my new friend not to phone me. But I feel so stupid about that!
This is all swirling around the fact that I HATE HATE HATE drama and complexity and duplicitousness, and really just want everything to be straighforward and honest and relaxed. But for this ideal to be real, participants also have to be relaxed and honest -- not just about what they're doing, but with themselves and you about how they're feeling and what they're thinking. And this has never been the basis of my relationship with my ex-bf. Thus the ex-ness.
stupid stupid stupid. I loathe this sort of situation. I could just tell Mr. Chicago not to call, but then I feel even more controlled by my situation. But it might be worth it to avoid an annoying mess.
RAR!!
***
ps. you may be wondering, "is pansy in love with mr. chicago? why is she writing about him so much?" So I will tell you. No. I hardly know Mr. Chicago. But I do have a crush on him. Generally, I have a crush on every boy I meet, until they cause that crush to die. Then we either continue to befriend each other, or go our separate ways. I think that's fairly normal -- phew because if it wasn't I'd clearly need a lobotomy.
I'm writing about Mr. Chicago because I'm tired of writing about school, and because I don't go anywhere lately, except the store, and while there are things to tell you about on the way, these are mostly things that don't change much from day to day so there's no hurry. Or, great fascination.
I will be glad to write about my plants and cat, though, upon request.
***
One last thing: Thanks to the ingenuity of a certain lady
You may be dismissed.
pansycline at 10:14 a.m.