2005-12-10
date
Well, that was a little melodramatic last night! Maybe the "wine" part tipped you off...
still, it was odd. Technically I think we had a good time -- it wasn't awkward, we chatted for a good 5 hours, ending with an argument about art (at which point I started yelling in the closing restaurant about him being an snob, snotty, and elitist), and he gave me a ride home.
But, I think I'm basing my definition of "successful date" on TV, movies, and those lame "women's books" and magazines that I don't read except when I'm avoiding sleep and/or trapped in some environment where that is either all that is to be had, or considered appropriate. For example a dentist's office, laundromat, or bathroom. [speaking of which, is "laundromat" ever an awesome word! It's from the Jetson's, or something! Too bad it's not suitable to most laundry places now, with their aesthetically boring top-loading machines, instead of the cool bubble-front kind where you can watch the magic happen. I think "laundromat" should be reserved for those places that understand how much more enjoyable it is to watch ones laundry spin and splash than it is to read old copies of Marie-Claire and Chatelaine.]
I realized when I got home that even though we had been talking the whole time, it was just so... well, DUMB! Why in the world did I spend 5 hours "getting to know" this person who I couldn't really give a shit about? What kind of strange mating game is this? I'm totally grossed out. And even though he was funny and smart, he kept doing these things that were classically "what women want", like pulling out my chair (at which I ungraciously looked at the chair sideways, shouted "ta-daaa!" and pulled out my own chair), insisting that I'm nice and sweet when that's clearly not the case, and, well, I don't know. Conversational things. Not that that's necessarily terrible, it's just icky, to me. I felt like he was trying to manipulate me. Which he was. Even his flirtations were domineering, I realized upon reflection. And that just sucks the life right out of me. I had to cry when I got home, I was so exhausted. Of course, I had also had only 3.5 hours of sleep the night before, so the exhaustion wasn't all his fault. But anyhow -- he's an only child, his parents are divorced, he does science, computers and biology, and he's got non-religious Jewish insecurity. I can say that because I asked him and he admitted it. Add all of that plus our personalities up and we are not compatible. At all.
So, another one bites the dust. It doesn't matter. Besides feeling like I might as well, because I can, I think I'm (was) also going on dates just to double check that I'm not fooling myself about liking the person who I do in fact like. I don't trust myself entirely in this realm, as I have tendencies to try to fool myself. But if I can look clear-eyed at situations where it is possible for me to have romance, and analyze what's really going on, then I feel like I'm probably analyzing this other area pretty accurately, too.
Then again, I have no clue. Can I start wearing big black garbage bags and balaklavas now? I think that would be as close to living in a hole as I could get, what with winter, the frozen tundra/asphalt everywhere, and all.
And, that is that. I'm grading exams and eating cookies today. Also finishing my "statement of intent" for Chicago. Woah MAN, do I ever hate writing these things!! Who wants to proofread? Critique?
***I just read over what I wrote. Am I psychotically hard on this guy? What the hell is my problem?! Jeez -- it's not all me, but no wonder the guy is all confused about how to behave around girls. Then again, that's the thing, right? This idea that there is "a way" to behave around women as a whole. At one point we were talking about feminism and how it bugs me (one of the things that I often will say to domineering and manipulative fellows even though I am slamming on my mental brakes and screaming at myself not to do it -- b/c I know that they will infer from that that I can be dominated and manipulated, which has been the case, because I don't want to be thought of as a bitch. Bad habits are hard to kill) and he said that he agrees it's mostly pointless to relate to individuals in terms of their gender... and somehow that gave him permission to start referring to girls who are not friendly as cunts and bitches. Plus his problems with dates and not knowing "what women want" -- (oh Mel Gibson, the wonders you've done for your culture, defining this and what passion is). I have highschool, college, and post-college-rooted insecurities about finding things like this offensive, having wanted to hang out with the "bad" boys who say whatever the fuck they want... but I just ended up dating assholes. So. Ok. I'm fine now. I don't take anything back.
pansycline at 10:52 a.m.