2005-07-13
Honing My Social Ineptitude
Sometimes I wonder why I have so few friends, and why the friends that I do have are such assholes. Don't get me wrong -- I love them to death, but they know they are assholes, too.
Then I do things, and realize that my friends are my friends because they are the only other ones who also think it's funny to take a joke way too far. So far, in fact, that strangers run away. Far, far, away.
Here is an e-mail exchange in which I end up seducing a stranger who is gay. This all started with an advertisement on the back page of the Montreal Mirror:
me: Dear American Apparel, I love your products (particularly the ladies undergarments), your ethos, your models, your employees and now, The Unitard!! I'm not sure that words can encompass the gratitude I feel for your re-invention of this garment classic, but words are all I have so they will have to suffice.
I am beside myself with excited glee at the prospect of seeing another satisfied fashion victim strutting down the Main clad in his/her brand new Unitard, so I can laugh my head off for a month. Thank you thank you thank you!!!
him: M****,
The unitard is stone cold sexy. It melts eyeballs. You laugh, but then
you are overwhelmed by the keening pain of desire. Soon, the form-fitting, ultra-functional fashion victim will be you. Hold on
tight, it's a brave new world coming down the pike, and as we saw in
many sci-fi flicks and in the underground lairs of countless James Bond
villains, the unitard shall be it's uniform of choice.
I'm wearing one right now.
Cheers,
S**** W****
American Apparel Design Team
me: Dear S****,
If, as you say, a brave new world is comin' 'round the mountain, I wonder why it would base its costumes on James Bond villains of the past. That said, a little research shows that no no no, nary a James Bond villain sports a unitard while perpetrating his/her dastardly deeds. Hell, the Bond girls need merely bikinis and bullet belts to fight the good fight - a unitard would seem dowdy in comparison not to mention highly ineffectual in a gun fight.
Fact is, the closest I've found to any sort of villain/hero with one eye on the future and the other on unitards is America's good friend, Mr. Richard Simmons. Now I realize that the man wears soccer shorts, not tights, but his choice of top is a dead ringer for the AA Unitard design. It seems clear that this wardrobe choice was and is motivated by a desire to stand out amidst the hordes of 1980s unitard-clad jazz dance instructors (the past incarnation of today's yoga enthusiasts), an effort well worth making, in my opinion.
Therefore, the likelihood of my ever donning a unitard under any circumstances besides unconscious non-consent is even less than I had thought when the prospect of unitard-driven hilarity first excited me yesterday. I have tried yoga. I got rug burn on my chin and nearly puked.
Sincerely, M*****
ps. I am wondering if at your work there are washroom facilities for the unitard disabled, or if you have to stand naked at the urinals with your 'tard around your ankles.
him: M*****,
OMG you are totally right. You were talking about the unitard, and I was thinking of our new one-piece terrycloth leisure suit/coverall, which I just saw for the first time recently (shhh, it hasn't come out yet)[woopsy!]. This magnificent garment is indeed worthy of Barbarella or Pussy Galore. Imagine it in soft, downy white...
Indeed, the loathsome unitard screams "Jass Hands", and should only be worn with a dance belt and a tube of chapstick, legwarmers optional. I can't look at it without the horrifying memory of my Jr. High gym coach, Mr. Hansen, offering to "spot" the girl's on the gymnastics team.
As to the issue of restroom function, which will still be an problem with the terrycloth coverall, I 'd suggest some kind of space-age catheter. But how often will you need to void yourself if your only nutrition comes from a scientifically balanced food-pill consumed once daily?
BTW, I'm totally in love with you now, and if I wasn't gayer then a picnic in May, I would totally live forever in terrycloth coverall bliss with you for the rest of my life in a geosidic dome house with white shag carpet and a Masarati in the driveway. We would only sport unitards once a year, on Halloween, to scare the children and the pets.
Wrestling singlets on the other hand...
XOXO
S*** W****
American Apparel
me: Dear S****,
I have just recovered from my spasms of uncontainable joy at the news that you were mistaken. For � a day I wondered if I would be able to remain on a planet where such thing as a unitard is described as �stone cold sexy.� World peace may be a pipe dream, but is liberty from hysteria-induced brain aneurysm blindness too much to ask? I thought not. Thank whatever that that stress is behind me! Back to martinis in the sun!
Re. the (top secret) leisure suit, may I say that I love the phrase �leisure suit.� I once owned a pair of elastic-waisted leisure pants that I wore mainly for the pleasure of responding to fashion critiques with a disbelieving, �you don�t like my� leisure pants?!�
I�ll still laugh when I see people wearing a leisure suit. However this will not be coupled with disgust and incredulity as in the case of the unitard. If I take you at your description of their glory, then it will be a laughter of unfettered elation. Especially because I am going to rush to every thrift shop asap and grab every gold, silver or zebra-striped pantsuit I see and then make a billion dollars from them!! I�ll let you guys keep the �downy luxurious� market niche.
I think possibly the best part of the leisure suit is the necessity of accessorizing with a turquoise-watered swimming pool, a chaise lounge and a luger. Except, wait, terrycloth and handguns� I don�t know. Maybe a terrycloth towel and a handgun. Out of the shower and into the fray, like. Then again, terrycloth is ideal for pursuit on skis. Much warmer than any shiny silky pantsuit.
Anyways, I am beyond flattered that you are now in love with me. Perhaps oddly, you�re not the first gay man to fall for my charms. Luckily, gayness in a man suits me just fine. Less pressure. I�ve begun shopping for our new home already -- geodesic and with a white-tiled swimming pool. I�ll let you know how it goes. I�d like a boa constrictor for a housewarming present please. It�ll go great with both the leisure suits and the Halloween unitards!!
Love, your new wife,
M****
ps. "Jass hands"?! hilarious hilarious.
him:
***
well. I'm just telling myself he's a very busy man. He doesn't think I'm a freak. He's VERY BUSY!!
pansycline at 9:46 a.m.