2006-03-27
Prove It
I don't want to!!!!!
It's been an hour since I sat down to work and I have written 9 lines. RAAAAAHHH!!!
***
So, my second youngest sister is getting married in August. She will have turned 21 by then. Today she ordered her dress.
I can't help, behind the happiness for her and the excitement because I love weddings, being a little -- maybe more than a little, I'm not sure yet, weirded out by this. "Weirded out" is maybe not the most explanatory description of how I'm feeling/thinking.
Ok. How can anyone, never mind a 20 year old who has barely done anything in her life (i.e. traveled, met people outside of her given sphere of influence, challenged and/or expanded herself), be so sure? Especially a 20 year old who has barely done anything in her life!?
Maybe not having done much makes it easier to decide. Definitely I am not in her head, and I am putting expectations on her that I have for myself and I know that is not fair of me. Maybe she's done more than I know of. Probably. Hopefully. Maybe she's done things that I'm forgetting about. But I don't think so. Small town high school, to hair school in a city, back to small town for work at hair salon, currently working at retail store at mid-size city near to small town where she lives.
This is not so bad if she were older and had even had time to, I don't know, live on her own? Had to be responsible for her own life? Buy her own groceries and cook for herself?
Am I being mean? I don't know if I'm worried or annoyed. I feel annoyed and I don't know why. Well, I kind of know. Partly it's because what will happen is the looking at me, the oldest, sideways at the wedding with mixtures of pity and curiosity about my "plight" of singleness. Not everybody, no. My relatives are not idiots. But some. It's just there.
What I am most irrationally annoyed with already way before the event is the self-righteousness of the bride-to-be as she is first of all a surprise good god-fearer, and now a child bride.
Fuck. I wouldn't say sorry but I know that one of my sisters is probably reading this and I sound so vindictive and bitter. But she's 20, she's a princess, she knows nothing, and she thinks she knows a lot. Why is this irritating me so much? It is really not my problem.
Actually, here's why: I feel like I'm putting and have put a lot of effort into my life, living it well (or trying to figure out how to live it well) and thinking through what I'm doing, even if what I'm doing looks like fucking up, and I know I have a lot more work to do -- which is ok, I don't expect it to ever end or even want it to -- but whatever my efforts may be, the day that really matters is the one on which you announce that you have found someone to get fat and old with you. Er, to open a joint bank account with. Um, I mean, to, you know, be in love with forEVER.
And therefore, as of August 24, my sister will have a better and more successful life than me.
Bravo. Amazing accomplishment.
I'm so bringing a flask to this alcohol-free religious event.
pansycline at 10:42 p.m.