2006-04-05
love is a quanderful thing
dudes I feel all weird and crazy!
I finished my thesis chapter yesterday night and then came home and had a manhattan and a beer and tried writing an email to some professors -- an email that I'm nervous to write and/or mail because I am asking for something definite and I hate asking for things and I wonder if maybe it is actually obnoxious and pushy, which is not the intent but I really need to know the answer, I feel, in order to make my decision.
also, yesterday I got news that I won a graduate fellowship at school that I get to have if I stay -- free money I don't have to work for, which is really amazing and I've never won anything before, and I should be so relieved and excited about it but in fact it's made me more stressed out. I think I had decided Florida, pretty much, and now this. plus, being a chicken to ask Florida if they can tell me whether or not the person who I want to be my adviser will or will not. I think I'm reluctant to ask because I don't want to hurt the other professors' feelings. Is that dumb or what? yeah, pretty dumb. do professors get hurt feelings from that kind of thing? I dunno. Everybody is so nice everywhere that I just want to say "yes!" all around, but I cannot. Fuck.
and now I've been up for 3 hours and I just narrowly escaped taking over 3 hours to drink coffee and eat breakfast and I'm still in my pajamas and I have to get downtown to school in the next hour or so, but I really really don't feel like getting on the train. Maybe I'll take a different route today. Except the different route is also a longer route, and I should save time.
I'm reading this book called "The Believer Book of Writers Talking to Writers", at night before bed. It's articles of interviews and they are so fantastic, inspiring, and have all this great information that makes you feel less bad about your own bad work habits, or doubts and hesitations and uncertainties. I definitely recommend it to all. You can order it online. I specifically recommend it to anyone who ever wants to write fiction but is scared or discouraged.
Also, just the other day I finally bothered to look up the proper usage of apostrophes with the word "one", as in "one's life is vastly improved by breathing", and with the words "its" and "it's." I'm telling you, I feel liberated now, just having a new confidence in my usage of those apostrophe's in my paper. Like another corner of the blanket over the mystery of life was lifted and I was there to look underneath of it. Lux Interior makes me want to say "skirt over the mystery of life" but that is not what I mean.
***
also, I have been spending too much ear-time listening to romantic songs and I think it is making me crazy.
Yesterday I downloaded "Love is a Wonderful Thing" -- and I had to delete it because it was making my ears bleed. I was shocked at how completely unlistenable that song was/is, and I wonder if Michael Bolton ever wants to kill himself for it.
pansycline at 1:01 p.m.