2006-04-25
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I do not know what's going on. I feel like we're breaking up all over again, only this time it's me getting dumped. I never never never would have thought this would happen.
what the -- I am so confused, and crazy. I am seriously losing my shit. I feel like I must be some kind of drama addict except, even if that is true, it doesn't help me not feel like garbage and hurt all over.
I was really trying not to write about this on here, because I feel so very stupid. But I can talk about it to anyone even less.
yeah, he's over me and likes a new girl. still wants to be best friends. we've been hanging out a lot. he was calling me all the time and it was really great. we actually had good conversations, talked some old crap out, apologized, etc., which is not a surprise, considering we dated for 4 years and spent the last 10 months tiptoe-ing around each other and are now finally relaxed. except -- apparently, I am not relaxed.
I told him I don't want to meet her. So, now she's back in town and no more phone calls or hanging out. This is insane. I want him back?! What? Impossible. Possible. Fuck. look at me, I'm a fucking freak. I'm one of "those girls" who is all about conquest and keeping and possessing little lapdogs, aren't I. What if I did get him back (which is unlikely. highly. which is possibly also why now I want that.), what, I would marry him?
In my delirious tantrums I thought, maybe. Yeah, maybe I would. Maybe I made a big fat stupid mistake and now this solid gold one-of-a-kind person with problems to work out just like everyone, is lost to me. And that makes me sick.
What makes me sicker, is that the tables have turned. I'm now feeling probably 1/5th of how bad I made him feel for months. More than months, if you think of all the times I did it before we finally broke up. And do you know what I did when he was so depressed and alone? I didn't call him. I didn't visit him. I didn't answer his calls. I didn't return his calls. And do you know that he still thinks of me as his best friend?
I make me sick. I think I care about people so much. But I'm not surprised he wouldn't ever date me again. I'm fucking horrible.
pansycline at 10:58 p.m.